The Deadly Sin of Ghosting
By Rev Dr Ian Stackhouse, Guildford
The views and opinions expressed below are those of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect those of the Jubilee Centre or its trustees.
None of us are particularly good at conflict. Instead of the emotional toil of difficult conversations, we avoid, procrastinate, or simply deny. Who hasn’t put off an awkward meeting for fear of the psychological strain? It happens all the time. All very understandable.
What is not understandable, nor acceptable, is the growing phenomenon of what is known as ghosting; and now that I have encountered it numerous times in the workplace, in family relationships, and even in the church, I feel compelled to call it out for what it is, which is cruelty of the highest order.
Before I go any further, I should explain what ghosting is for those who have never come across the term. Although it sounds like something to do with the paranormal, ghosting describes something that is terrifyingly everyday: the practice of cutting off all contact or communication with someone without explanation. Unlike procrastination, avoidance, or fear of confrontation, which we all experience, ghosting is pre-meditated distancing. In that sense, it is of a different order. It is not a normal human response but a twisted psychology. To take an example from the world of dating (from where the term ghosting was coined), it is the difference between someone trying to finish a relationship with at least some courtesy, versus the growing tendency, certainly on dating apps, to suddenly, and brutally, cease all communications. It is the invisibility of the person who cuts themselves off, the fact that they can no longer be reached, not even through a text, that explains why it is called ghosting.
If I can extend the analogy for a moment, the impact on the person being ghosted is deadly. Indeed, to be cut off without explanation, and without recourse, has the potential of being more devastating than an actual bereavement. Most times, bereavement carries with it, at some point on the journey of grief, the prospect of closure. Ghosting, by definition, is unresolved anguish. The fact that the person is alive but uncontactable makes ghosting a living nightmare.
I have come across ghosting in various contexts, most chilling of all in families where parents have been ghosted by their adult children. About a decade ago a father shared with me his grief about his eldest daughter who decided, without explanation, to cut herself off from him and his wife - that is, her mother. To this day they have not heard from her despite repeated attempts to reach out. Another father shared of a similar situation concerning one of his sons who severed relationships with the whole family, siblings included. They all know where he lives, and they know he has a family of his own, but that is about as far as it goes. He refuses contact.
As we try to come to terms with ghosting, and try to understand the psychology behind it, it is important to recognise that there will be contexts where this kind of emotional brutality is necessary. As a pastor of over three decades, I can think of several situations where I was supportive, in some instances insistent, that ties be cut - sexual abuse being perhaps the most obvious scenario. There is no merit, no matter how conservative your theology, of staying in a relationship where there is repeated abuse, be it physical, emotional, or even spiritual. Drastic measures are called for.
But this is not what we are talking about here. Ghosting is an unexplained, strategic, and almost always selfish decision to cut relationships, leaving the recipient of it in emotional devastation. In the literature, which is growing, ghosting is described as an acute form of passive-aggressive behaviour, which if you have ever been on the receiving end of is sometimes more vicious than blatant aggression. It is defended by those who deploy it as an expression of personal freedom. Instead, it should be derided, on biblical grounds, as a failure of relational obligations.
As St Paul points out in his household codes, the commandment to honour one’s parents is the first commandment to be accompanied by a promise, ‘that it may go well with you, and you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ (Eph 6:1-3) By inference, the dishonouring of parents, which is what ghosting is tantamount to, should be accompanied by censure. Ghosting is premeditated disrespect, emotional cowardice and yet another manifestation of cultural narcissism. Ghosting cares for little else other than the personal well-being of the one executing it.
I suspect that a great deal more will be written about ghosting in the years to come, both anecdotally as well as academically. There is a growing body of opinion that ghosting is a peculiarly postmodern phenomenon, related to the rise of on-line communication. In other words, just as it is remarkably easy to connect on-line, so it becomes remarkably easy to cut someone off. As one of our teenagers in the church explained to me, all you have to do is activate a block. And the technology is now so deeply embedded as a way of relating, it is difficult to imagine how things might change anytime soon. Indeed, it is becoming increasingly fashionable. The media interest around Harry and William, or David Beckham and his son Brooklyn, may well be its own soap opera but, in a way, it is symptomatic of the ghosting pathology and reinforces the idea that it really is quite trendy to be falling out with your relatives.
What is of keen interest to me, now that I have witnessed firsthand the devastation of ghosting, is how those who have ghosted will respond in the future when they themselves are ghosted by their own offspring. Unless this generation of ghosters is made of different stuff, presumably they will find the experience of being cut off just as painful. In which case, why not address the matter now, not through legislation, or criminalisation (frustratingly, ghosting fits neither of those categories), but rather through the cultivation of the kind of virtues that used to undergird civic society: namely, obligation, duty and respect. They might sound old fashioned, possibly false even, but they are in fact the basis of our human flourishing. We might even say that it is in our interests to treat those closest to us with courtesy and respect.
In closing, it occurs to me that the Golden Rule (see Matt 7:12) which teaches that we should ‘do to others what you would have them do to you,’ might be of some relevance to this issue. Given that this biblical ethic still has traction in our secular world - meaning that it is generally acknowledged as a civilised way of conducting affairs - one wonders if it could yet act as a rejoinder to this pernicious way of conducting relationships. I tried it out recently on a young ghoster. It certainly made them think. Either way, the real challenge, as always for me, is to cultivate Christian communities that are willing to engage in the excruciating but essential practices of truth-telling, forgiveness and reconciliation. As St Paul writes to the Christians in Colossae, ‘Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive, as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.’ (Col 3:13-14)
